i love both you and the german language way too much
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Freitag, Februar 27, 2004
i can't find my seam ripper...this is not an acceptable state of affairs.
in other news, talking to mrs eilertsen today was quite interesting. the whole thing is weird beyond anything, but its sort of...weird when i think about it and less and less weird when i dont. im not sure what that means...but i'm very intrigued by the possibilities of all this. in response to the idea of my potentially running an alternative school or school-type-place one day, she said, 'when you open your institution, call me. i might be ready to change.' curious, that, no? yeah. so mrs eilertsen will, it seems, continue to be in my life for at least a little while longer (she asked for the names of the books i'd been mentioning without my bringing them to her, and wanted to talk to me about them later and stuff. this is definitely some sort of cosmic bond, fine line between love and hate sort of business figuring itself out or both of us trying to make ourselves feel better and maybe understand the past or something...i think it says something about similarities between us that a bad student-teacher relationship in one (well, technically two) sixth grade class(es) seems to have bothered/affected us both so much. very strange to use 'us' to refer to me and mrs eilertsen. very very very strange (ps typing very is a fun set of finger moverments, ive jsut realized. very very very very very fun. ok ill stop very soon veryveryveryveryveryveryvery ok fine). its funny how different she is from how i remember her, but also worrisome how much i dont remember about what sixth grade was like...damn the fact that it seems important/useful to write shit like this down these days and it didnt then...i think i shall now make a little list of the things that she did back in the day that made me crazy, just for the sake of remembering them (tho perhaps this is silly, as things that have stuck with me for five years are probably not escaping any time soon...i dunno, if you start to know/think of someone in a different light you might lose some of the other impression. whatever im going to do it. sorry for making two ridiculously long posts in the same day. but technically its two days. this was supposed to be a wee little entry about how much i lvoe my seam ripper and how lost i am with out it. anyway. the list)
making us take post its
making us read and discuss andrew harman's postits (these ones have a touch of lutzness in them though)
when she sent me out in the hall only one day, and it was a day i hadnt done anything but tell lexy burns to stop doing a stupid tellytubby dance/song/thing and then telling her that that was all i'd been doing
when she acted nice to me right after doing terribly mean unfair htings. when she complimented me when she claimed not to have any more of a problem with me than the rest of the class (dont know if she ever explicitly claimed that, but she surely would have)
when she sent me to mrs honeycutt
when she graded me lower on my 'overthrow the government of our language arts class' new years resolution than the 'have better handwriting' (or whatever it was) one
when she refused to get andrew harman in trouble for making all sorts of sixth-grade-innapropriate comments at our walk-and-talk book talk, largely because allison and i were too shy to repeat the things he was saying, i guess
when the whole class was standing in groups working on a group project of some kind and she came up to me, personally and asked me to please sit down
when id say she was treating me differently from the rest of the class and she'd say 'your problem isnt everybody else. you just worry about maggie' or the equivalent trite middle school educator scheiz
how she expected us to write personal and meaningful stuff in a journal she was going to read
how (im pretty sure this happened) she once said that she 'knew me through my writing'
how she told me that she would assume i was consistent enough that the partial grade on a few weeks of my 'journal' (after she or mrs lutz or devin malloy had lost it--mrs lutz blame devin absolutely, even though he'd only carried the box of journals from three doors away) would be similar to my grade for a full quarter's worth, but gave me a comment number seventeen, 'lacks consistency' on my report card
when she gave me a b or something on a project i had fallen asleep doing, woken up at three in the mornign to realize was undone, and heroically completed before school (twas a rather small project as i remember) because the visual was too small, even though it hadnt specified size or anything that implied size (to me) on the rubric (ahh, the ever-important rubric *chuckles*)(i hadnt realized i didnt have and poster board and obviously i couldnt send mom to staples in the middle of the night, so i made it on construction paper) and when i levelled with her about what had happened she gave me a minilecture for waiting to the last minute.
the way she was unfair or mean to other kids in the class and would get mad at me when i defended them or said to her what everyone else was saying in the halls
(for example) the way she graded andrew harman off because his SIGNATURE was illegible on some letter project we had to do
the way i felt in that class, whyever i felt it...like i didnt want to give her the satisfaction of getting me to do any work, like i didnt want to come to class, like i didnt want to read her books or write her stupid assignments, like i was being singled out and chastized for things tons of people were doing, like she took everything that happened gravely seriously and like i was being judged to have something very wrong with me because i had problems in her class
how she couldnt handle it when i criticized assignments or things she did
how she seemed to think sixth grade language arts was important
how she talked to mrs lutz behind thos f***ing books
2:40 AM
Donnerstag, Februar 26, 2004
shaking from reading No More Prisons (book patrick lent/gave) me. perhaps its partially because my alttention span seems to have shortened dramatically in the past year or two (would like to change that if i can but its not that bad), and i'm not used to sitting (lying, walking around) and reading one thing for 2 and a half hours at a time. i miss that. anyway. back to the book. i went through the first half-ish of the book today (secitons on his first book and what he learned from it, "the cool rich kids movement," and self-education. The problem with books and states of mind and conversations like this is that they fill me with at least a hundred different ideas and goals and plans and conversations i want to have and things i want to think about and things i want to do and i want to do them all RIGHT NOW and thus the shaking. i just started making a list of some sort (not entirely sure yet what for its going to take, but im thinking of it as a collection of offers, ideas, invitations, and propositions) to send/give to my (especially staples) friends as a way of maintaining/building connections with them, getting into what theyre into and possibly getting them into what im into...sorry ive just tired of talking about this and i want to get on to what im actually talking about many apologies.
so anyway. i think i want to record all of the pressing things that i feel i must be doing right now really really quickly before i start forgetting them (too late) and maybe that will relieve this jittering mania business. so anyway
make the list-thing and send it to my people
drive as far as i can get on the post road in either direction
go into the city (either without telling anyone and just bringing my phone so when they start to wonder where i am they can call me, or going in and caling mom when i get there)
do my math
read the madelein l'engle book i bought for two bucks from the library
read all the other hundred of books on my reading list:
the rest of no more prisons
the rest of the tlh (whenever i read it i get intop a freny like this after like ten minutes an d have to stop)
hp in various languages
the hitchikers guide (been too long)
the frenchy/deutsch thus spoke zarathrusta (not bothering with spelling rith now)
the da vinci code
natural child
the books i have in there about ct history
macbeth
hamlet
the rest of witches abroad (lost it about 30 pages in *frown*)
dune
language culture and society (found it in there, bet it belongs to one of the boys)
all the others from that reading list i took down a sumemr or two ago that i never got to (dont know where said list is right now *frown again*
doing school
go to coleytown el playground in the middle of the night
spend the rest of the day walking ALL OVER westport (like not stop until ive walked every inch of every street)
go to the websites of all and connect with some of the resources liseted at the end of the chapters in theis book, and then go to all of the resources they list and trae it until i feel like i know enough about those little segments of the world
go to habitat/call them about volunteering as an individual (ie can i come tomorrow?)
finish the research and/or talk to the deacon about the gs business
find someone to go to choir with me tonight
talk to christina about renew
play the cello all friggin day
write another entry here pondering money in a different way than the last one, being more blunt about it and such
ask my parents how much money we actually have
figure out/talk about how much money the rest of westport (specifically the people buying the mo expensive big houses, but everyone) and the rest of everyone else has
figure out/talk about how much money i'm going to need in order to survive/live in different ways When I Grow Up
let dad talk to me about the stock market and make him make me understand and retain everything he says (do it in small doses if i have to (actually this is a really good idea and might get him off my self-educating back in a lot of ways (yayfor brainstorming (and fuckmonkey this is a difficult-to handle in-brain storm))))
take my two thousand dollars out of the silly bank account i cant even access, pay mom and dad back for christmas/random expenses since then so i can start getting regular allowance again, decide what to do with the segment of it i had set aside as give-away money when i opened the account after confirmation, and then put the remainder either in a savings account i can actually get to (now that im sixteen i can supposedly have some access to my money) or do something more interest-earning with it cuz i never touch it anyway.
bully mom into letting me NOT DO this stupid online diploma business (dad would totally go for it) or at least re-talk to them about it and think about what else i could potentially do
write another email to the northstar guy
go visit the boys and talkt ot them about many many things and while im there arrange to visit the norhstar building without mom and dad and see what its like and talk to the people there
do my calculus (march 8th is approaching as ms s might say)
go talk to dr scheetz about linguistics (random, no?)
go to the middle schol and see eilertsen (give her her cookies) and jones/rouffee
try to find and connect(icut (i am so funny)) with other homeschooling/unschooling kids around here and organize some grand paln with them
find actors for jennifer's movie (prolly to late for the film festival by now, but still...)
make at least 20 different five-year plans, including me starting college at at least five different times
finish my orange dress
go to the knitting store in stamford and demand to be shown how to make mittens/sweaters/something (take one of their classes if i have to but first try to get them to show me immediately)
run like five to ten miles (depending on how out-of-shape i actually am)
walk extensively around palce other than westport
write a really big and offensive note on the whiteboard
go buy copies of the tlh and give them to rexford, eilertsen, and anyone else i feel like giving one too. leave several copies in the workshop room.
buy lots of candy and give it to workshoppers for free
walk around coleytown with a few pizzas and give slices to anyone who asks
find a job that i actually want where they want me
learn another langauge
run away in a my-parents-no-where-i-am-and-im-talking-to-them-but-im-not-really-asking-them-what-to-do kind of a way
go to a random foreign country with mommy like we always joke about in the airport
figure out what i need in order to renew and then renew my passport so i can talk about things like that without admitting that they're purely fantasy
go to the fairfield library and get their continuing ed catalogue
call priya and tell her im coming to michigan at her earliest convenience
go to wherever merry lives in pennsylvania and see her
go find other similarly abrupt and bizzarre ways to see a bunch of other people i want to see
drive to connecticut college and walk around for a while (pretty cold but still) and see what its like there and what its like to be on a noncollegevisti type of collegevisit and get back before mom gets home and not tell her i went there (why all this desire to do things without telling mom, i wonder)
find a way to contact claire bangser and ask her to teach me to play the guitar
pick somebody to give this book to and give it to them *grits teeth and writes it for stephen pinker, then negates (or maybe strengthens??) her action by explaining herself*
well allright. that's all i can do for now. there are things ive forgotten that will continue to torment me throughout today and tomorrw, at the very least, but the frenzy has died down, the things-that-must-be-written-down are surfacing with increasingly long breaks in between them (perhaps i should stick some sort of list in my purse), and i feel much better and less crazy. provided i dont look at the list, that is. so yeah, the problem with things that put me in that sort of state-of mind is that they give me this big, non-prioritized list of things i really really wanna do, say, or think about, but because i cant do them all at once, and i cant pick anyone that needs immediate attention any more/less than the others, i end up doing nothing. well at least i have a record-type-thing. thats nice.
as for my immediate immediat action...right now i'm wavering between two big options, and once i pick one of those the specific activity within it won't matter to much to me. the options are going out or staying here... i think i wanna go to the middle schol at 2:00 to 2:15 (so ppl will still be there but i wont get noticed as a security threat) so that doesnt give me much time ('s 12:50 now (i created this post as something very little and then edited it cuz i wasnt sure if something was working)) so i can't go anywhere terribly far away. i really need to do some calculus (will be glad once ive taken the last test and can be relatively deadlin-free for a while) or practice some german-speaking (visit brian and force him to help me i should) but im still a little to wired to do much involving focus; my mind is racing less, but its still racing...i wanna do something action-oriented. okay. decision has arrived. im gonna go make some lunch (brown rice with almonds and potentially some lemon juice (still deciding), if you're interested) and eat it, then try to watch calculus lectures or do calc homework (whichever feels more doable) or, failing that, go for a short run until 2:00ish, then get the cookies and possibly the book and go to coleytown. after that...maybe leave the house (though i might like to save that for tomorrow), or finish writing the letter, or talk to people about joining me for various activities (like the choir, specifically, cuz it meets tonight), or to brothers or others about plans to visit them., and then do some math at least before going to bed. the rest of stuff with fill itself in i think. okay. ive forgotten half of that paln-type-thing, ut i never intended to compose one beyond lunch, math-or-running, middle school. so farewell. this must be a terribly long entry, munst it? wonder if anyone read the whole thing...i can imagine the insane-going part could be terribly interesting. no matter though. i feel rather happy. yayfor that :D
11:44 AM
Mittwoch, Februar 25, 2004
ay me i am so tired. i hope this german application actually gets to the lady in time because otherwise 'twould be a terrible lot of wasted sleeplessness and hassle. and the silly german dictionary has no english-german entry for 'breakfast'. not that i dont know the word, but i was hoping to find a thing for breakfast cereal and i noticed the omission. what, my friends, is up with that? Frau's hasily-composed letter of recommendation was sweet, but she obviously still disapproves. I wonder if the fairy angel i drew on the board made it to meine deutschklasse (they had it first, i think...yeah) to be seen by allison and if she noticed it. affenkreide but im tired. more germaning to be done yet, though...oh and the amc kicked my ass (very nicely--randomly remembered that as an isolated joke...who was it with? i remember it being funny...*too tired for remembering*). I was explaining to heather the other day about why i dont like to talk to or about rei or be around him too much, how it switches on who sees in him the path she didnt take, the self laura schwartz wanted her to be, and her deepest darkest fears that she may not be quite intelligent enough to do everything she'll want to...i'm actually feeling surprisingly little of that now...wonder what this harvard-mit business will be like. im pretty sure kelley's going, und das freut mich.
11:10 AM
Sonntag, Februar 22, 2004
I've just been thinking about all of the little regrets of my life...not like big important mistakes I've made, or alternate lives i wonder about that would have come to be had I made different choices, but like, the random little situations that arise in which i'vehad or almost had the opportunity to do or say or see some really cool or poetic or funny thing, and something (usually my own stupidity in not seeing potentially petic situations until they've past) prevents it from happening. Like when someone sitting back-to-back with you insults you and then accuses you of talking about her behind her back, and you fail to comment on the fact that she's currently doing exactly that. or when you're getting off a train with an enourmous unfinished 4 by 7 barrell stitch gimp monster (ie The Big Gimp) and you walk by a seat where a little girl has left for the bathroom or food car or some such, leaving a 1 by 2 barrell on her tray table, and you don't decide that it'd totally be worth losing your big gimp for that girl to come back to her seat and find the mind-blowing present left for her by the gimp fairy until you're off the train and its too late. Or someone randomly quotes a line from one of your favorite poems and you don't jump on it and start reciting. Or a little girl (also on a train, oddly enough) shyly admires the bright blue carebears skirt youre wearing and you think 'ooh, i'll give her the matching scarf i wore today; i have an exact duplicate of it at home and i've been wondering what to do about the redundancy' before you realize that you left the scarf behind as you rushed out the door. Or you see some random kid in a cty shirt and you're too shy to comment on it. I dunno. I can never stop thinking about things like that...I guess cuz it's so rare that the opportunity to connect to somebody like that arises that it seems a terrible loss to miss one of your chances.
And erin amuses me way to much. I love erin.
10:46 PM
Samstag, Februar 21, 2004
I ran today. It was marvelous. I can't believe all the notrunning I've been doing.
6:26 PM
Freitag, Februar 20, 2004
I got really annoyed at dad earlier, and I asked myself 'why am i so mad at dad right now' and, though there were a few legitimate contributing factors, the main answer i found was 'because he's got weird social skills' and then i felt guilty. i normally dont mind much when dad doesnt notice i'm not (or no one is) interested in continuing the conversation, or when he goes off on long tangentially related but not really relevant exeter stories, but today i wanted to scream at him to stop talking. makes me feel quite selfish. i really must make an effort to be nicer to him (i have been...oh shut up, not enough). I did get a lot of the easier tasks of the dressmaking done today, though, which was exciting. i forgot to attatch the riboony tie things, so i have to decide if they're worth taking out part of the seam for...and i'm not exactly sure what to do about the next steps, but...its still cool. i can wear it as a sort of orange, dress-shaped, buttonless lab coat, which is fun. i enjoy messing around at things with which i have absolutely no skill. like life, for example :p
6:32 PM
Donnerstag, Februar 19, 2004
woah. weirdness. spied on the livejournal of someone i know who doesn't know i've seen her livejournal (sorry about that...stumbled on it...will stay away or announce my presence, i swear.), and hen was checking through away messages in my 'cty i never talk to' group (yes i know im an obsessive profile stalker. and apparently now a lj stalker. what can you do?) and someone (adrian friend of merry perhaps? someone who got on there after 02 and never removed, at any rate) had lyrics from 'such great heights' in her profile. strange but realcool, i think.
1:02 AM
Mittwoch, Februar 18, 2004
im feeling isolated, but i cant decide who, if anyone, i want to im. strange. maybe i'll just sit here a few more minutes thinking about it and seeing if anyone ims me. i dont hink i could fall asleep just yet, and im not in a concentratable calc lecture-watching mood either. a hug would be nice, but im not in, like, crzed hug-needing depressive mode. i think i may still be affected by the thing i didnt write about in my last entry,
(actually i should mention that here. ive finally started keeping some private entry-type-things...just saved to my computer in word, but as part of the document that contains this whole journal. I don't know how much i'll actually do that, especially because i know i write here largely because i have at least the potential for an audience (although i've also started thinking of the audience for some of this stuff as future children/teenagers, my own or others i might be in contact with after i've crossed over whatever youth/adulthood divide there may be. i know ive already lost the opportunity to do that with my true childhood, and it constantly puzzles me to think of how i could ahve been me and that weird little person at the same time...its only recently started to seem worthwile to me to want to preserve myself for the semi-distant future. but anyway. this is a largely pointles parenthesis. sorry.), and i hope having the opportunity to put the few really unpostable things away in hiding (if anyone goes looking for or happens upon and decides to read the notpupblic parts of this document, i will be made very uncomfortable and unhappy) doesnt change the character of the posts here, doesnt make me more hesitant to put out the just-barely-postable stuff. I don't know why i so value exposing myself like that, but i do. *shrug* )
so maybe i should go and think/cry about that a little bit. i dont think i quite got it out of me system. and sorry for being cryptic. and for having really long side notes (i set that one off as a separate paragraph, even though it was breaking up a sentence...i hope it made the idea somewhat clearer (just a little bit))
11:49 PM
ohhhhhhhhhhhh fuck. fuck fuck fuck. i really didnt think this was going to be a problem (how could i be so easily fooled?). fuck.
5:43 PM
oh right. my blog. forgot about you, beloved. i'm in a weird mood as of today. stressed about this math and german, i guess...feeling out of control and weird and antisocial. i can't really explain it. actually, the archiving i did recently makes this remind me of an entry at, like, almost exactly this time last year, where i said i wanted lent to start. i think this might be a seasonal type of feeling...hopefully 's one that calendar and ritual can help break...remind me of what i'm reallyabout, of where i'm hiding inside of me, how to get a handle on some of this extraneousness and confusion...i dont think the lentness worked too well last year, though...*tries to remember* what else was going on at that time? problems with K...trying to decide about cty sessions and things (*sigh* how long ago that was(n't)!) was that when i was in the physics-course-o-doom? and i was relatively new to only-at-home-childness. oh, and i'd just dropped asr. right. wow. that definitely feels like more than a year ago. meine gute.
...well THAT didnt offer any insight into my state of mind. *shrug/smile* oh well. no worries.
i love how im ridiculously stressed right now, and everyone else is on vacation. not that i wouldn't be a thousand times more stressed if i were trying to do this math and be in school at the same time, but like...'s a bit ironic.
1:13 AM
Sonntag, Februar 15, 2004
hee. poor mommy. it bothers her enormously when we spend time we need for our own homework/tasks participating in/helping with other people's work, but its so exactly what she's raised us to do. add to our natural procrastination tendencies the fact that the one truly consistent aspect of her parenting was selfless devotion to us, to buoying (sp?) us up and making whatever we needed to do as easy and manageable as possible, and it's no wonder we're so easily found attending to everyone else's projects and homework to the neglect of our own. not that i need to be doing someone else's homework to not be doing mine...but it helps. :-p
12:57 AM
Donnerstag, Februar 12, 2004
Looking/thinking back on that stuff kind of makes me feel guilty/silly, as I often do, for having this random weird problem. Like, it ought to be a sign of some deeper issue or something, but I really can't find anything for it to mean...it's just...I dunno. something that makes me feel better? occasionally, i guess. something that gives me an excuse to lie down and take care of myself for a little while, certainly--a self-induced, short term illness (although longer term today, actually...took many hours for me to feel right again). something I do to sort of punish myself/absolve my guilt when I'm mad at myself? sometimes i think...maybe even most of the time; i'm not sure at all. something i do just to see if i can/because I'm bored/because it's a habit? maybe. creeps me out to think that's a possibility, but sometimes i can't think of any better way to explain it.
anyway *shrug* i'm quite excited for valentines day, which i will be celebrating tomorrow witha superfun party at my house. you should come. wear pink.
11:18 PM
woah i feel _real_ weird. think i dont want to do this again.
1:55 PM
damn. wanted to get out of this state so i tried to go until it hurt and i had to lie down and cry and recuperate for a while, but i let myself throw up (i kind of think its become easier for that to hapen since i realized to could...like, it's mostly about my mental ability to keep it from happening. so then i hadnt gotten the finality i was looking for so i tried again and (whaddya know) threw up again. so gross. my poor stomach/body. i'm so mad at myself for doing this...i still can't figure out why i do. sometimes i feel like its just cuz im bored, but i dont htink im quite that crazy. at least i think im kind of returning to normal...but not like in a satisfied, feeling better kind of a way...just...annoyed...angry...embarrassed (hate that word...i've been archiving this thing recently and one of my old entries deals with what an embarrasing word 'embarrassing' is). yeah. gonna go lie down and try to get warm.
11:16 AM
i weigh about 12 pounds more than i should right now. that means i have about six nalgenes-full in my body. i think i've done seven total today, though i've lost the exact count. next one makes two gallons. I'm kind of afraid of/for myself. i havent actually drunk more than one nalgene at a time, so my stomach doesnt even hurt. i don't know if i like that or not. I've been going just to the point where i feel really uncomfortable, but never crossing the line into that kind of debilitating binging thing i sometimes do. im cold, though...i recently noticed that i think drinking a lot of coldish water makes me reeeeally cold. meep. my stomach is starting to feel not-full-enough. time for more water and homework. i know it's possible to die from drinking really _really_ ridiculous amounts of water, especially if you're sweating (which i'm not--im quite cold), but i've never found anything that would define really really ridiculous for me, so i tend to freak out when i get like this...whatever if i start to feel dizzy i'll go eat some salt or something.
10:49 AM
Mittwoch, Februar 11, 2004
So I was in Knit Together, the new knitting store in Stamford, yesterday, and i pick up a magazine from a rack. It reads:
Rebecca: Die Junge Strickmagazin mit...(ich vorgesse die volle Name) but, in case you're left with any doubts, I have discovered A GERMAN KNITTING MAGAZINE. i can hardly believe it.
11:34 AM
Montag, Februar 09, 2004
i never post this sort of thing...normally they annoy me. dunno why i wanted to put this up, today. I don't think it's particularly insightful. i'm not vulnerable, am I? self-conscious? yeah, a little, but...nowhere near how most people seem to be. eh. maybe not. who knows. but vulnerable? does it just say that cuz I have high emotionality and trust and lowish emotional stability scores, or has it been spying on the inner workings of my mind?? tee hee. i may not know myself entirely, but i imagine i know myself better than the average online personality test.
Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results | Sociability | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Gregariousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Assertiveness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Activity Level | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Excitement-Seeking | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Enthusiasm | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Extroversion | |||||||||||||||||| | 60% | | Trust | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Morality | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Altruism | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Cooperation | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Modesty | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Sympathy | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Friendliness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 77% | | Competence | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Neatness | |||||| | 18% | | Dutifulness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Achievement | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Self-Discipline | ||||||||| | 26% | | Cautiousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Orderliness | ||||||||||||||| | 48% | | Anxiety | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Volatility | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Depression | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Self-Consciousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Impulsiveness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Vulnerability | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Emotional Stability | ||||||||||||||| | 41% | | Imagination | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Artistic Interests | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Emotionality | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Adventurousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Intellect | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Liberalism | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Openmindedness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
8:48 PM
Trip to see Nora was much fun, especially cuz I actually had someone to _talk to_ talk to on the train both ways. alyssa-and-stephen exposure was far too short (as is nearly any ctyer-exposure, but four hours is just _too_ little), but the party was funfun (apples to apples (which I dominated :P ) and singing cliquishly), escept for the slight feeling that we were bothering nora's parents. Being around a...touch-intensive...couple was a little bit hard though (esp. one that hasn't been complete in several months...*grimaces*), not in a jealousy way (neither of nora (cuz i hobviously dont want dan (not that he's actually hateable or anything, there's really nothing wrong with him. poor dan. 's not his fault he get's on my nerves)) nor of dan, even, really, cuz i didn't _really_ need nora's attention, and besides she was actually hanging out with us rather a lot...and it's good for her/them to be happy and together and good, even if I've had slight weirdness issues with it), but just in a generalized way that reminds me that there are no boys in westport, how surprisingly straight i seem to be, and all those other lovely oddities of life allison [b *is reminded of goodfun elementary-school-style*] and I spend so much time discussing/bemoaning ("hey, al! sexually frustrated much?" :-p (on a very slightly tangentially related note, paul levands wants to learn to knit, apparently : D props and an apology to you if you followed my unfortunate train of thought there)). Yeah...but (prepare for abrupt change-of-subject) even though I'm a slightly-bitter (no, not bitter...*searches for description*...*sighs*...*wants a boyfriend*...*doesnt?*...*wants to be in love?*...*is silly*) single female, I LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY and I'm having a partyish thing friday night. There will be pink things and red things and heart-shaped things and sweet things and possibly even a few chocolatey things, so get excited. Ooh, and I found sweet tart hearts, which have messages on them like the standard message hearts (no 'fax me', though...that has to be the least logical or romantic thing ever put on a candy heart...fax me???? ay me) only they don't taste like root beer-flavored chalk. And I've seen packages of red/white and pink/white nerds, and of runts with only the red and pink ones (which are the yummiest anyway, so i wish they'd make them year round) and of the heart-shaped gobstoppers, so this should be a good valentine's day. maybe i'll wear my white skirt con red ribbon with a red shirt...or i could wear my red dress with a white or pink shirt over it...do i have any white or pink shirts? oooh, maybe i could get pretty ribbons for my hair...*giggles* I know i'm an enourmous loser, but valentines day is fun. 'slike a way of gearing up for st. patricks day *coughcoughshamrockanntenacough*...alright. now that I've bored the last reader away...farewell, and sorry for the insane numbers of parentheses...don't know what got into me today.
5:04 PM
Donnerstag, Februar 05, 2004
oh and i'm really afraid to tell coach sydney...esp. because the whole team is turning against him and i fel like this is just going to make his life a little harder. and he'll probably be mad at me, which is sad, cuz i like syds rather a lot, even if I'm the only one.
9:28 PM
I think the hardest thing about dealing with my parents on this whole homeschooling (though i hate the fact that tthats what it really is, it's true) business is that they want completely different things. My father firmly believes that school is a good institution, that it was largely my fault that i wasn't happy at staples or coleytown, that the next few years are very comsmically important because it is the duty and best work of a young person to learn as much as possible, that learning is central and that grades, college admissions, and diplomas are secondary and only important for what you want to do with them, and that it is an absolute truth that all people must be either in school or at work AT ALL TIMES (and volunteer jobs don't count as work, I suppose because he's such a passionate capitalist...quoth my father, 'we are not a family that can afford to be full-time volunteers' except that we are. completely. it's not like i work now...in fact they give me money; cut off my allowance and i'll volunteer and you'll come out on top...?). My mom thinks that the next few years are just another drop in the bucket, that the important thing is that I be happy now and secure as much possibility for future happiness as possible, and that I need need need to get a high school diploma so that I have something to fall back on, and that school was hard and largely not healthy for me and largely a waste of time. I guess I could summarize the situation thus: dad is into PRODUCTIVITY (defined as being working or in school at any time (this is actually his word and his definition)) and LEARNING; mom is into HAPPINESS and DIPLOMA; and I am into HAPPINESS and LEARNING. hobviously a bit simpler than the situation actually is, but pretty acurate.
9:26 PM
just told daddy about the new plan/plans and worked out a way that i can do this that'll be acceptable to him. i hope this works. it'll be tough and quite awkward, but...well, *crosees fingers* I have had one of the worst crying headaches i've ever had today...it like made me nauseous, even. 'twas strange, though, cuz i wasnt crying exceptionally much or hard, i just had a stronger reaction to it.
12:09 AM
Mittwoch, Februar 04, 2004
oh god this is hard. i don't know whats going on but im sad and tired and i cant get a fucking hug from my mommy and its awful
7:16 PM
*sob* i need someone to sit right next to me here and believe in me...like, not just support me and try to make things work the way i want them to, but actually think they will, and that i'm right, and be proud of me for trying to do what i think is wise and right. Even though everyone's being so helpful, its hard to find yourself standing in opposition to the whole world, confusing or worrying or sad-making everybody you talk to. I want to excite people. I want an ally, who can stand with me against everyone else's conceptions and reassure me and think the things i'm thinking and excite me and be excited by me. Thats kind of what it felt like when i was reading the teenage liberation handbook earlier today, and it left me feeling energized and ready and excited, not just tired but determined. Then i came home and talked to mommy, though, and all of a sudden i feel exhausted again, and my grand and beautiful hopes and dreams have again been replaced with dingy, at-least-it's-better-than-the-alternative hopes. argh.
6:23 PM
Montag, Februar 02, 2004
So I've basically just decided to leave staples. it feels good, but also terrifying. Please reassure me if you get the chance. tell me tell me we'll hang out a lot. tell me you'll come to me whenever you have math questions (the first person to ask rei chiang for help before me dies (sorry I didnt mean that, i'm in a weirder than weird mood)). tell me you're glad I'm doing what i think is best and that youll support me whether or not it works out (though you're pretty sure it'll work out). of course, only tell me these things if you mean them. I just hope a lot of people mean them. ach. now that the deciding pahse is over, the telling people and getting stuff worked out phase must begin. i fear this phase. i love you, though.
10:27 PM
Sonntag, Februar 01, 2004
So the question of the week is (drumroll...waaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiit for it...) should Maggie shave her legs, and, if so, when should she do it?
Some downsides to consider:
I am way to lazy to go back to any kind of every other day shaving madness. After the novelty wears off, I'm probably just going to want to return to my natural state of slight non-prickly hairiness again. If I shave once, then, I have to put up with a couple of months of spiky uncool hair before it regains normalcy. This will be annoying.
Although I maintain that my nonshaving policy comes purely from laziness and blonde leg hair, and has no higher moral motivation, I think I might feel just a little bit like I was being a slave of the machine and contributing to the opression of women, and men for that matter, around the world.
What with my recent absence from track, my slightly-less-muscular legs would have nothing on Kristi's in the Miss Man Legs pageant if I shaved away their claim to fame (you could ask if you wanted to...but it's probably not a good idea).
It would definitely put the kabash on my current razor head, although it'll have to die eventually, anyway.
Some upsides:
Because i haven't abused them at all for the past sixish months, if/when I DO shave them next, my legs are likely to be the softest/smoothest maggie-legs in recorded history.
Maybe Candice (candace? i have no idea) Perrera (still no idea) would like me more.
(no seriously, the first part is probably the only real upside, but its a pretty nice upside, and it has instant rewards, with the penalties coming later. the second part, however, may be the funniest thing I have ever said. In case you haven't heard yet, she commented on my blanket the other day when i passed her in the hallway. I hadn't thought of her since last year, except perhaps in passing in a discussion of the good old days of us history, but apparently she still has some personal issue with me. Strange, innit? If i ever get a chance I'd like to ask her why I bother her so much. Last time I wondered this everyone suggested that it's because I don't feel bound by the rules of normal/appropriate behavior that she allows to govern her, but there are other people who live similarly. Surely she can't be insulting ALL of them. Maybe, though it had never occurred to me til now, I actually bothered her when I called her a bitch to Jenny in The Great US History Rumble. I probably shouldn't have said that. I wouldn't think she'd value my opinion, but maybe it upset her anyway. Heh. I should find her sometime and apologize. I don't think I could do it sincerely, though; I'd be in it too much for the funny situation, so it wouldn't be honest even though I am basically sorry. It WOULD be funny to freak her out a little bit, though. That being, of course, why I ought not to do it.)
9:27 PM
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